What to do on a date when you forget what words are and how you use your limbs.

The remedy to this is simple: you remember that your date is more scared of you than you are of them. Especially now that you seem to have become a limbless, incapable mute. FYI: you are a capable human being who has successfully held at least one conversation before, have faith.

Dates are some of the weirdest situations you will find yourself in. You want to show only the good bits but without just coming across as the chief of bombast and self-obsession. The number of times I have spilt food down myself, fallen over and one time straight-out just landed in the sea are times I can now look back on fondly, because in truth, they are not that far from how I behave normally. The fact is that it’s just the circumstances that make you judge your own actions more than you normally would. So, take this golden nugget of advice from me: stop being so self-conscious. If they don’t like you for who you are, that’s that then, NEXT! Here are some of my own embarrassing date stories and their concomitant solutions to help you think of ways to deal with the all-body awkwardness.
I once managed to drop a whole pickled egg out of my mouth onto the floor on a date. I still don’t know how or why this happened. What I did about this is that I laughed at it and then walked away as if to pretend that the egg was completely disassociated from me and whatever the hell had just happened. I believe this tactic worked.
Picture this, second date: you’re arriving on a train. He’s standing on the platform with flowers. You rush over and whilst taking the flower, simultaneously kick over his coffee and then slip in it. Blame him. My work here is done.
Once, a guy I was on a date with asked me if my parents had had a ‘nice divorce’. I am still fairly certain that I had never mentioned the fact that my parents are divorced AND it was a first date AND I took issue with the word ‘nice’ (Why not lovely?!). Rather than immediately assuming that I was the very obvious product of a ‘broken home’, I assumed that this was projection and that he really wanted to answer that question himself. And holy turd did he…
There are always the dates where you seem to spend most of the time waiting for the guy to make a move. Why are you waiting, if you want to kiss them then just go for it. This, inevitably, leads to head-butting the shy man who fundamentally disapproves of the fact that you’ve just dropped a pickled egg out of the self-same mouth. Offer them some of your hipflask afterwards as recompense. Basically what I’m saying is stop giving a shit. And stop trying to impress. The whole point is that you have fun too, it’s not a performance and it certainly isn’t a sales pitch. Anyways, silliness and fun is memorable in a way that spending 3 hours on your eye makeup isn’t. Go out there and have some fun. 

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